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Jokes (adults only)
Please do not read any of
these jokes if you are offended by bad language or any of the ism's known to man,
especially sexism. If you are a woman please bear in mind none of what follows is of my
creation, I am simply sharing this trash as an example of the depraved kind of e-mails I
have to endure. I have not given any "credit" for the contributions for obvious
reasons. There is also the less obvious reason that I can't remember who sent me what. If
anyone does take offence then it serves you right, you've been warned...
N.B. Some of the most amusing (read insulting) have been left out in case of legal action
by the French, Americans, English, Welsh, Spanish, Italians, Scottish, Germans, Indians,
Australian, Norwegian or Irish. It doesn't mean they weren't appreciated though, so keep
'em coming.
The phaomnneil pweor of the hmuan mnid.
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the
frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses
and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid
deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Fcuknig amzanig
All too rarely, Australian airline
attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other
announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been
heard or reported:
An airline pilot wrote that on this
particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited,
smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying United." He said that, in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time lookingthe passengers in the eye, thinking that someone
would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except for an old lady walking
with a cane. She said,"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no
Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did
we land or were we shot down?"
On an Air NZ Flight with a very
"senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen,
we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for
your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop
at Auckland, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your
favourite.
"Weather at our destination is 32
degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank
you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for
flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
them with our compliments."
A flight attendant's comment on a less than
perfect landing "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney,
the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats
until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open
the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.">
A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport.
After it reached abcomfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
thebintercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome tobFlight
Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead isbgood and, therefore, we
should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sitbback and relax - SHIT! ARGHHH! OH, MY
GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom
and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I
was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in
my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Economy said,
"That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and
there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since
he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye
comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out
of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh, my, I am so sorry," the woman
says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to
you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre, followed by
drinks.They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She
listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place
for a nightcap .........and stay for breakfast.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal
with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!! "You
know," he says, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you
meet?"
"No," she replies.........
"You just happened to catch my
eye."
Two strangers were seated next to each other on the plane when the first
guy turned to a beautiful blond and made his move by saying, "Let's talk. I've heard
that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger."
The blond, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly, and said to the first guy,
"What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the player. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said the blond. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse
produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Oh brother," said the guy. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said the blond, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Transubstantiate
Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
No kebab for me, thank you
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
I'm not interested in fighting you.
Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing
No, I wont make any attempt to dance thanks, I have zero co-ordination.
Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to urinate over the nearest cash machine or shop
front.
These are actual metaphors taken from recent GCSE essays:
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently
compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a
tumble dryer.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable
soup.
>Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field
toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at
55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr on a Dr Pepper
can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being
shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil,this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31p-a-pint
night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that
was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on aland mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from
"I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it
throws up.
It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power
tools.
She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British
beef.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax
machine that needed a band tightened.
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