Jokes (adults only)

Please do not read any of these jokes if you are offended by bad language or any of the ism's known to man, especially sexism. If you are a woman please bear in mind none of what follows is of my creation, I am simply sharing this trash as an example of the depraved kind of e-mails I have to endure. I have not given any "credit" for the contributions for obvious reasons. There is also the less obvious reason that I can't remember who sent me what. If anyone does take offence then it serves you right, you've been warned...
N.B. Some of the most amusing (read insulting) have been left out in case of legal action by the French, Americans, English, Welsh, Spanish, Italians, Scottish, Germans, Indians, Australian, Norwegian or Irish. It doesn't mean they weren't appreciated though, so keep 'em coming.

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
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A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

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Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted.
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
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Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
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Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
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Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
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"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
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Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Cling film shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
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Answer-phone message
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the
steaks are too high.'
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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by 
a  strong currant.
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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
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I  went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they
lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.
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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
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Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"
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Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

 

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1. Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

2. Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. 

3. There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough. 

4. Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly. 

5. Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability. 

6. Never do today that which will become someone elses responsibility tomorrow. 

7. Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful ability to continually confirm what I think. 

8. Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER! 

9. Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office. 

10.   It's the team that matters. Where would The Beatles be without Ringo? If John got Yoko to play drums the history of music would be completely different. 

11. What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts. 

12.   When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" 

13.   Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue. 

14.   If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail. 

15.   If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation. 

16.   You don't have to be mad to work here! In fact we ask you to complete a medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not. 

17.   If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked. 

18.   If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried. 

19.   You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back. 

20. If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves. 

21. Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do. 

22.   There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure. 

23.    Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do. 

24.   Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under your desk. 

25. Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots. 

26.   If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast. 

27.   Remember the 3 golden rules: 1. It was like that when I got here. 2. I didn't do it. 3. (To your Boss) I like your style. 

28.   The office is like an army, and I'm the field general. You're my footsoldiers and customer quality is the WAR! 

29.   Set out to leave the first vapour trail in the blue-sky scenario. 

30.   Statistics are like a lamppost to a drunken man - more for leaning on than illumination. 

31.   A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone elses?   

32.   Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly? 

33.   You don't have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober! 

34.   I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.

 

Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.

 

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