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Jokes (adults only)
Please do not read
any of these jokes if you are offended by bad language or any of the ism's known to man,
especially sexism. If you are a woman please bear in mind none of what follows is of my
creation, I am simply sharing this trash as an example of the depraved kind of e-mails I
have to endure. I have not given any "credit" for the contributions for obvious
reasons. There is also the less obvious reason that I can't remember who sent me what. If
anyone does take offence then it serves you right, you've been warned...
N.B. Some of the most amusing (read insulting) have been left out in case of legal action
by the French, Americans, English, Welsh, Spanish, Italians, Scottish, Germans, Indians,
Australian, Norwegian or Irish. It doesn't mean they weren't appreciated though, so keep
'em coming.
An old man marries a
young woman and they are deeply in love.
However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves
orgasm so they decide to ask a s*x therapist for advice. The therapist
listens to their story and makes the following suggestion; "Hire a strapping
young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a
towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally
naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That
will help your wife fanaticise, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm."
They go home and follow the therapist's advice.
They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves
a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the
wife is unsatisfied and frustrated. Perplexed, they go back to the
therapist. "Okay", he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make
love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow
the advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves
the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife
soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, creaming orgasm. Smiling, the
husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him,
triumphantly: "THAT'S how you wave a f*cking towel, sonny!!"
> > A man and his wife go to their
honeymoon hotel for their 25th
> anniversary.
> > As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife
> asked
> > the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was
> > going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was
> to
> > f**k your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife
> undressed,
> > she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as
if I
> did
> a
> > pretty good job."
> >
> > A man approaches a lady in a bar and whispers in her ear,
> > "I'd love to fill your fanny with Guinness and then drink it all."
> > The woman runs off to her husband in disgust and tells him what has just
> > happened.
> > "Aren't you going to sort him out then?" she asks, to which her
husband
> > replies,
> > "Nah, any man who can drink 25 pints is all right in my book".
> >
> > This bloke walks into a brothel and says he's only got £10, and needs
> some
> > relief. He is told he can have the "singing blow job", so intrigued he
> goes
> > down to the basement.
> > It's pitch black, and he hears a "plop" and the woman gives him a blow
> job
> > and is singing at the same time.
> > Well the bloke thinks this is amazing so he comes back the next day, and
> it
> > happens again, he hears the "plop" and then she sings as she sucks.
> > The third time he takes the torch and just as he hears the "plop" he
> > switches on the torch. The first thing he sees is her glass eye in a
> glass
> > of water!
> >
> > What do prawns and women have in common?
> > Three pink bits that taste nice, but the heads are full of shit!
> >
> > How do you make a dog drink?
> > Put it in a liquidiser.
> >
> >
> > A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his underpants.
> > The barman asks: "Is that painful?" The man replies: "It's
driving me
> nuts!"
> >
> > What do you call a ferret on ecstasy....
> > Madferret
> >
> > What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
> > A carrot!
> >
Frank was excited about his new rifle, and
decided to try bear hunting.
He spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big
black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two
choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed
revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and
shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly
bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and
you
have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate. Although he survived, it
would take several months before Frank finally recovered.
Outraged he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the
grizzly
and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned
around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear said "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting,
do you?"
Three company employees are sitting in the
sauna, 2 executives and a
van driver, when there's a "beep beep" sound.
The 1st executive presses his finger on his arm and says "That's my pager:
I have a microchip embedded under the skin".
Shortly afterwards there's a "brrr brrr" sound.
The 2nd executive puts his hand to his ear and says "That's my
mobile; I have a microchip embedded in my palm".
The van driver gets a bit irritated by all this hi-tech stuff and goes off
to the toilet. On his return the executives notice he has a piece of
paper sticking out of his bottom and query him.
"Wait a moment", he says, "I have a fax coming through".
Ali G's Sister is pregnant and has a car
accident. She falls into a
> > deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that
she
> is
> > no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her
baby.
> >
> > The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The
babies
> > are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
> >
> > The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh no, not my brother...he's an
idiot!'
> > Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's
> > name?"
> >
> > "Denise," the doctor says.
> >
> > The new mother thinks, 'Wow, that's not a bad name! I guess I was
wrong
> > about my brother. I like Denise!'
> >
> > Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
> >
> > The doctor replies, "Denephew."
THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING
MALE-BASHING JOKES AND TO GET BACK AT
THOSE WHO SEND THEM.
Q. Why did God create woman?
A. To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow
Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
A. Phone her.
Q. Why do women fake orgasms?
A. Because they think men care.
Q. What is the definition of "making love"?
A. Something a woman does while a guy is poking her.
Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
Q. What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?
A. One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.
Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?
A. Made her chain too long.
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry her!
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. How is a woman like a condom?
A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on
your dick.
Q. How are cyclones and marriage alike?
A. in the end you lose your house.
Q. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A. She knows she's given her last blow job.
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Q. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A. Because women who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A. It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.
Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A. When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me... ."
Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?
A. You don't need to. There is a clock on the oven.
Q. Why do men fart more than women?
A. Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, which one do you let in first?
A. The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Q. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A. A woman that won't do what she's bloody told.
Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A. Divorced.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always".
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months; I don't like to interrupt her.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring,Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said,
"Dust!"
PART II
WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A MAN
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station
because this one's just too "yucky."
Same work ... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress 5000; Tux rental 100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything
different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your
friend.
Your underwear is 8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking:
"He must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You're not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all
seasons.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in
45 minutes.
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