> A husband and wife were having
a fine dining experience at their
> exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to
> their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later
> and walks away.
> His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"
> "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
> "Well that's the last straw," says the wife.
> "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most
aggressive,
> meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."
> "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get
a
> divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no
> more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no
> morecountry club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to
> twosmaller homes, but the decision is yours."
> Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young
> woman on his arm.
> "Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.
> "That's his mistress," says her husband.
> She replies, "Ours is prettier."
A blind man walks into a bar and
gets chatting with the barman. "Listen to
this," he says, "I've got a great Blonde joke".
At this point he hears a voice in his left ear. "Before you tell that joke,
I should tell you that I'm a blonde, and I've got a black belt in Karate".
A second voice speaks up from his right: "...and I'm a blonde, and I've got
a black belt in Ju Jitsu".
Finally, he hears a third voice from behind him. "...and I'm a blonde, and
I'm an expert in Kick-Boxing. Now, do you still intend to tell that joke?"
"No" says the blind man, "not if I'm going to have to explain it three
bloody times."
> Subject: A funny thing
Happened to me the other day.............
>
> So I started playing the piano and this elephant burst into tears,
> I said "do you recognise the tune?", he said "I recognise the
ivory"...
>
> I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to
> pull a fast one"...
>
> So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
> "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean
Martin".
>
> So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the
> splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't
make
> Tuesdays".
>
> But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to
> pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
>
> Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of
> seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was
> a fire at the factory that makes them.
>
> So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it
> was Weggie Kray.
>
> So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I
> said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said
"Moo", he said
> "You're closest".
>
> You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out
> the night before and shoot the fox.
>
> The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her
> up,I said Do you get my drift?".
>
> So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
> complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled
> onions".
>
> So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me
> with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said
> "Waiter, I
> asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
>
> But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
> competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
>
> Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of
> Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
>
> So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about
> your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
>
> You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a
> catholic converter.
>
> So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance
> caller",he said "Not you again".
>
> So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
> tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
>
> He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as
> a condiment".
>
> Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example
> Goran, even he's a witch.
>
> And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,
> he's bisatchel.
>
> So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a
> barcode.I said "Are you two an item?".
>
> So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of
> terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
Austin Powers Chat up lines
I wish you were a door so I could
bang you all day long.
(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
Nice legs...what time do they open?
Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one
talking to you.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher,
have you seen one?
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth
tonight.
Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride
you all day long for a quarter.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a
light switch away.
Are those real?
You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther
for that thing you do with your tongue.
If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by
morning.
(Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
F @# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom
floor.
My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
> Tips for Managers and Bosses
> ------------------------------
>
> Never give me work in the morning.
> Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.
> The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
>
> If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to
> inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me,
> advising me at every keystroke.
>
> Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.
> It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
>
> If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies,
> don't open the door for me.
> I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic
> and opening doors with no arms is good training.
>
> If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the
> priority.
> I am psychic.
>
> Do your best to keep me late.
> I adore this office and really have no where to go or anything to do.
> I have no life beyond work.
>
> If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.
> If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
>
> If you don't like my work, tell everyone.
> I like my name to be popular in conversations.
> I was born to be whipped.
>
> If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down.
> In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
> No use confusing me with useful information.
>
> Never introduce me to the people you're with.
> I have no right to know anything.
> In the corporate food chain, I am plankton.
> When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
>
> Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you
> could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
>
> Tell me all your little problems.
> No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.
> I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes
> on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
>
> Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have
> been.
> Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase.
> I'm not here for the money anyway.
> Here's to achieving 103% !!
>
> We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%
> Here's to achieving 103% !!
> Here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future!
> What makes life 100% ??
>
> IF:
> A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R
S T U V W X Y Z
> is substituted as
> 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
>
> Then;
> H A R D W O R K
> 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only
>
> And;
> K N O W L E D G E
> 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only
>
> But;
> A T T I T U D E
> 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %
>
> However;
> B U L L S H I T
> 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
>
> Give it all you've got.
>Ed Zachary Disease
>
>A woman was very despondent over not having personal relations in quite some
>time.
>She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In
>hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time
>to see a doctor. Looking through the phone book, she came upon a Chinese
>sex therapist named Dr. Chang. When the woman arrived, she told the doctor
>her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real
>fass away from me across the froor."
>She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you
>crawl real fass back to me," and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and
>said, "you haf real bad case of Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see!
>That why you haf sex probrem." The woman was completely confused and asked
>the doctor exactly what
>Ed Zachary Disease was and he replied,
>"Ed Zachary Disease.. ..that when your face look ED-ZACHARY like your ass!"
GENDER DIFFERENCES
EATING OUT If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will
call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and
John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy,
Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob
and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £12.50. None of
them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want
change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants. A woman will pay £1 for a £2
item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number
of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to
identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says
after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,
men kick cats.
FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man
never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A
man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty
the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will
dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments, romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and
hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the
house.
After digging to a depth of 100m
last year, Russian scientists found traces
of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.
So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug
200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read:
"US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and
have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital
telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Irish press reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 500m, Irish scientists have found absolutely
nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were
already using mobile phones."
THE Manchester United players are
in the dressing room on Saturday,
just before the game, when Roy Keane walks in.
"Boss," he says, "there's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get
cortisone injection."
"Hey," says Becks. "If he's having a new car, so am I."
DAVID Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the
kitchen department of a large department store.
"What's that?" he asks. "A Thermos flask," replies the
assistant.
"What does it do?" asks Becks. The assistant tells him it keeps hot
things hot and cold things cold. Really impressed, Beckham buys one and
takes it
along to his next training session.
"Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly. "It's a Thermos
flask."
The lads are impressed.
"What does it do?" they ask.
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,"says David.
"And what have you got in it?" asks Roy Keane.
"Two cups of coffee and a choc ice," replies David.
POSH takes her car into a garage to have some dents removed. The
mechanic,knowing she isn't the brightest Spice Girl in the world, decides
to
play a joke on her.
"You don't need me to take those dents out," he says. "Just
blow up
the exhaust pipe and the metal will pop back into place."
So she takes the car home and tries it. David spots her from the house,
opens a window and shouts:
"You silly cow! You have to wind the windows up first!"
DAVID Beckham is celebrating: "57 days, 57 days!" he shouts happily.
Posh asks him why he is celebrating. He answers: "Well, I've done this
jigsaw in only 57 days."
"Is that good?" asks Posh.
"You bet," says David. "It says 3 to 5 years on the box."
DAVID Beckham had a near-death experience the other day when he went
riding.
Everything was going fine until the horse started bucking up and down
out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on but it was no good.
With
his foot caught in the stirrup, he fell head-first to the ground. His head
continued to bump on the ground as the horse refused to stop or even slow
down.
Fortunately, however, there was a happy ending. Just as he was giving up
hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworth's' manager came along and
unplugged it.
POSH and Becks are travelling back from Heathrow Airport to Central
London.
"Where have you been?" asks the cabby.
"New York," says Beckham.
"We saw a show and did some shopping."
"Did you have any nice meals?" asks the cabby.
"Yes, one really great one."
"What was the name of the restaurant?" asks the cabby.
"Dunno. I can't remember. Name some big railway stations in London,"
says Beckham.
The cabby begins: "Waterloo, Paddington, Victoria ..."
Beckham interrupts excitedly: "That's it! Victoria, what was the name
of that restaurant we went to?"
Then, there are these:
Q: What do you do if David Beckham throws a pin at you?
A: Run for your life ... he's got a grenade in his mouth.
Q: What would David Beckham's name be if he were a Spice Girl?
A: Waste of Spice.
Q: What would the England team achieve with 11 David Beckhams?
A: An average IQ.
> > > Farmer Jake had a
nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only
> > > real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.
> > >
> > > One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to
> > > him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a
> > > constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule
> > > kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killed her
> > > instantly.
> > >
> > > At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered their
> > > sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men
> > > came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to
> > > side.
> > >
> > > When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister
> > > approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up
> > > and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all
> > > the men?"
> > >
> > > "Well," Jake replied, "the women all said how nice she
looked, and her
> > > dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The
> > > men all asked, "Is that mule for sale!?'"
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