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Jokes (adults only)

Please do not read any of these jokes if you are offended by bad language or any of the ism's known to man, especially sexism. If you are a woman please bear in mind none of what follows is of my creation, I am simply sharing this trash as an example of the depraved kind of e-mails I have to endure. I have not given any "credit" for the contributions for obvious reasons. There is also the less obvious reason that I can't remember who sent me what. If anyone does take offence then it serves you right, you've been warned...
N.B. Some of the most amusing (read insulting) have been left out in case of legal action by the French, Americans, English, Welsh, Spanish, Italians, Scottish, Germans, Indians, Australian, Norwegian or Irish. It doesn't mean they weren't appreciated though, so keep 'em coming.


> > Men's Revenge...
> >
> >
> > There's been tons of Men Bashing jokes, so in the interest of fair
>play....
> > Q. Why did God give man a penis?
> > A. So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
> > Q. What's the difference between a paycheck and your Dick?
> > A. You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
> > Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
> > A. Its Braille for "suck here."
> > Q. Why do men die before their wives?
> > A. They want to.
> > Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
> > A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
> > Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
> > A. Lipstick.
> >  Q. Why do women have breasts?
> > A. So men will talk to them.
> >  Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
> > A. You come in one and go in the other.
> > Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
> > A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
> > Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
> > A. Money.
> > Q. Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
> > A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
> > Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
> >  A. After 5 years your job will still suck.
> > Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
> > A. Ten minutes of silence.
> > Q. Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
> > A. When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your
> > house and car with them.


>A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and
>started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man
>kneeling at a grave.
>
>The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
>"Why did you have to die?  Why did you have to die?  Why did you have to
>die?  Why did you have to die?"
>
>The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with
>your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever
>seen before.  For whom do you mourn so deeply?  A child?  A parent?"
>
>The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied...
>"My wife's first husband."


GENDER DIFFERENCES

EATING OUT If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will
call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and
John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy,
Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob
and John will each throw in 20, even though it's only for 12.50. None of
them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want
change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY A man will pay 2 for a 1 item he wants. A woman will pay 1 for a 2
item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number
of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to
identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says
after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,
men kick cats.

FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man
never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A
man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty
the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will
dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments, romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and
hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the
house.


A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.
 A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"
 "Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.
 The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
 "It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies,
 logically, if a bit too literally.
 About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's
 "thing" is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
 He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing
 yourself?"
 The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans
 "OHHH GOD.... they got my girlfriend too!!!"  


Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
 
 The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass
 to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a
 mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my
 foot.  When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then
 bench press it 100 times."
 
 The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila.  He grabs one in
 each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar.  He
 turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat
 poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home.  In the
 morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I
 get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
 
 The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
 
 The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I
 don't have time for this bullshit.  I gotta go home and screw the cat.


 I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the
lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac.
 I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle
with me, but she was running a bit late.
Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I
explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how
I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Chris" at me when I
was with my client.
He agreed.
Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my
shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him.
He said, "Hi Chris, what's happening?"
To which I replied "Fuck off Gates, I'm in  a meeting!"


An older man goes to his doctor and says. " Doc, I have a problem.  My
girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over
this
Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to
satisfy
them all."
The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty
dangerous
for a man of your age."   "I will give them to you on the condition
that you
return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."
The man says "You have a deal Doc."
Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.
The doctor says "what happened"?
The man answered "nobody showed up!"


Ants
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center.  Today, this woman called in very upset because
she  caught her little daughter eating ants.  I quickly reassured her
that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
daughter into the hospital.  She calmed down, and at the end of the
conversation she  happened to mention that she gave her daughter some
ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her  that she better
bring her daughter into the ER right away.

The raft
 Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in  getting
it out of the plant and home.  When they took it for a float on the
Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a coast guard
helicopter that was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated
when the raft is  inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Carpet layer
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He
stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.  In
the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling
up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself.  He
proceeded  to get  out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was
cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handling him his pack
of cigarettes. "I found them in the hall way." "Now," she said, "if only
I could find my parakeet."

The Pet
 Years ago while lying in my hammock I noticed my dog dragging something
under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the
next door  neighbor's 10 year old daughter's rabbit. For years I had
watched her come home from school and head straight out to it's cage,
free it and play  with it  in the yard. I knew today would be no
different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast. The rabbit was
quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off
with the hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew it dry with the
leaf blower. Upon finishing its grooming I jumped the fence and replaced
it back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as "natural
causes." Back to the hammock. Within the hour the neighbor's Volvo
pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she
headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet
away and screamed: "DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  Her
father panic stricken stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor
that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.
Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would
dig up a  little  girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage??"

Scientists at NASA
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist.  Scientists at NASA have
developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the
windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle,  all
traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent
incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the
windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to
test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.  Arrangements
were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as
the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof
shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console,
snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back
wall of the cabin. Horrified Britts sent NASA the disastrous results of
the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the
US scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence,  "
Thaw the chicken."

Can I bring my Dog
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town, which he
planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well
groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep
him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel
owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all
that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or
pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of
the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run
out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel, and
if your dog will vouch for  you, you're welcome to stay here, too!"


Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain.  One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end,put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: '"What's that?"
Lady 2: "A condom."
Lady 1: "Where'd you get it?"
Lady 2: '"You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely, she is, after all, in her 80's, but politely asks what brand she prefers. "Doesn't matter," she replies,
"as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted


Subject: Article from the Independent -

Useful travel tips when visiting England
This wind-up article appeared recently in an American magazine. By all
accounts it was taken seriously by a lot of people.

1. MONEY
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
"goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to
the pub but I haven"t got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what
was once called a shilling, the equivalent of seventeen cents American.

2. MAKING FRIENDS
If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a great "tosser" -
he will be touched. The English are a notoriously tactile, demonstrative
people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your
acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.

3. CUSTOMS
Since their Labour government whole-heartedly embraced full union with
Europe the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental
customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a three-hour siesta,
which
they call a "w*nk". As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is
not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there
due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply
apologise and explain that you were having a w*nk - everyone will
understand and forgive you.

4. RELAXING
One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or
Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed
boats,
which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of
the
boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but
there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a
professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging
and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be
treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good
idea
to buy a can of Mazola and have it on you when you ask directions to the
yerinals. Thatway people will know you are an experienced cottager.

5. FOOD AND WINE
British cuisine enjoys a well-deserved reputation as the most sublime
gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust
dollar,the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a
week
(rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon w*nk
for).
Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the
UK.
The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's
seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a
fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for
anything less. If he baulks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk
your
head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is
boss.
Once the waiter realises you are a person of discriminating taste, he
may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British
wines. If he does not, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes
grow on
the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia - try an Ely '84 or
Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it
will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you
plan
to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the
restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.

6. TRANSPORTATION
Public taxis are subsidised by Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in
London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver
tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not" then grab the
nearest policeman (bobby) and have the driver disciplined. It is rarely
necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make
detours at
patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the
heavy gold-coloured coins are "pence"), and state your destination
clearly to the driver, e.g. "Please take me to the British Library." A
driver
will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't
go
to your requested destination. Ignore him, he is only teasing the American
tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!). For those
travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most
economical way
to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in
Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some
tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the
platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians.
Once
on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the
large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into
London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved
impossible
to exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you
should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have
ever
been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback
to an otherwise excellent means of transportation.

7. AIRPORTS
One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow
airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an International
Jewish peace organisation - the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy
travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority
treatment as you make your way through customs. Safe travels and Bon Voyage!


1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going
as ghosts but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no
woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation? .....And is it suicide or murder?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

 MORE CARLIN:

1. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

2. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

3. How is it possible to have a civil war?

4. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

5. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

6. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

7. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

8. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "s" in it?

9. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

10. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

11. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

12. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?

13. If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash,
why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

14. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

15. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become
disoriented?


The Good Wives' Guide

This is an actual extract from a Home Economics text book, printed in the
early
60's. Absolutely unbelievable. Men LOVE it. Women can't believe it actually
existed.
 Be warned...

The Good Wives' Guide

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious
meal
ready on time for his return home from work. This is a way of letting him
know that
you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.

Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal
(especially
his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed. Prepare yourself.
Take 15
minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your
make-up,
put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot
of work
weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him.

His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Clear away
the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just
before your
husband arrives. Gather up school books, toys, papers, etc. and the run a
dust
cloth over the tables.

Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for
him to
unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order
and it
will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide
you with
immense personal satisfaction.

Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the
washer,
dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your
desire
to please him.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the
moment of
his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first,
remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to
dinner,
or other places of entertainment without you.

Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very
real need
to be at home and relax.

Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and
tranquillity
where your husband can renew himself in body and Spirit.

Don't greet him with complaints and problems. Don't complain if he's late
home for
dinner, or even stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he
might
have gone through that day.

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him
lie
down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange the
pillow
and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant
voice.

Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or
integrity.
Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his
will
with fairness and truthfulness.


Alex Ferguson calls David Beckham into his office.

'David,' he says, 'I'm worried about your performance the last few
games.
You've been hopeless, completely off form.'
'Sorry, boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a
few problems at home.'
'Oh dear,' says Ferguson, pretending to care. 'What's up? Posh and
Brooklyn okay?'
'Oh they're fine', says David. 'It's just that something's really
bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate
on my football and it's really messing me up.'
'Whatever's the matter, David?' says Fergie.
'Well, boss', says David, 'it's pretty serious. You see I'm really
stuck on this jigsaw and...'
'A jigsaw?!!!' shouts Alex. 'You're fu**ing up every time you play
because of a bloo*y jigsaw?!!!'
'Yeah, boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing my head
in!'says David in that horrible whining voice. 'It's really hard and
it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and
I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it
right and it's doing my head in and I even had my hair cut to try and
cool my brain down and...'
'David, David, David,' says Ferguson. 'You've got to get a grip. It's
affecting our games and nothing is as important as Manchester United's
success, other than Roy Keane's wages,obviously.'
'Yeah, boss,' says David, 'but it's this picture of a tiger and it
looks really good on the box and I really want to finish it but it's
really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture..and it's
a tiger and it's hard...and I can't make the bits fit and, er, it's
really hard, er, boss and, er, it's a tiger, er,... on the box...er...boss.'
Ferguson waits until even Beckham realises he's repeating himself and
has got nothing else to say which took a bit longer than usual.  'David,'
he says, with that conceited, irritating, smug smile he uses for
self-congratulatory post-match interviews. 'Bring the tiger jigsaw in
and let's have a look at it. For Christ's sake, we've got to get you
back to playing football.'
'Oh thanks, boss,' says David, 'that'd be really helpful 'cos it's
really hard and it's....'

So David brings the jigsaw into Ferguson's office. 'Here it is, boss.'
he says, showing Ferguson the picture on the box. 'Look, boss, it's this
tiger, right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't
do it and it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture
here of a tiger,' and Beckham empties all the pieces from the box all over
Ferguson's desk.

Ferguson looks at what's on his desk and the feint dusty cloud now hanging
over it. He looks up at Beckham.'David, put the fu**ing Frosties back in
the box.'


Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were
getting a little testy.  One morning, the first friend says, "You know,
we're starting to get on each other's nerves.  Why don't we split up today.
I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend
the day.  Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the
campfire."
The second friend agrees and hikes south.  The first man hikes north.  That
night over dinner, the first man tells his story.  "Today I hiked into a
beautiful valley.  I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch.
Then
I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake.  As I sat out and dried, I watched
deer come and drink from the stream.  The wildflowers were filled with
butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead.  How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad
tracks.  I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman
tied
to
the tracks.  I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we
had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon.  Finally, when I was so tired
I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine.
Did
you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal.  "I couldn't find her head."



>>This young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his
>>new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic
>>Village.
>>
>>Once she's inside, he quickly switches out all the lights and they
>>rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement.
>>
>>After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse back on the
>>bed in exhaustion. The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in
>>the dim light. His beautifully developed muscles, tanned skin and
>>smooth shaven scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside
>>her.
>>
>>She's really pleased to have met this guy. At this point the swimmer
>>slowly struggles up from the bed. He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the
>>bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a glass and drinks it down
>>in one gulp. Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath and, in a
>>surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the
>>other side and beating his chest like a gorilla. Then he vaults back on
>>top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance.
>>
>>The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second
>>encounter. Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his
>>previous exhaustion!
>>
>>After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position,
>>the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another
>>shot of the mysterious liquid.
>>
>>Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his
>>chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN. The girl is just amazed
>>and delighted as the action continues at the same blistering pace as
>>before. In the darkness, she can't properly see what kind of tonic
>>is causing these incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect!
>>
>>More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking
>>ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on
>>her part, the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself.
>>
>>'Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headed
>>Aussie, "I think I need to try some of your tonic!"
>>
>>She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid. She braces
>>herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes
>>like Coca-Cola. Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and
>>dives under the bed - only to smash straight into the three other
>>exhausted members of the Australian relay team....................


> > On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, who
> > loved to play together. One day, the two were
> > playing together, when the horse fell into a
> > bog, and began to sink. Scared for his life,
> > the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get
> > the farmer, to go get help! Off the chicken
> > ran, back to the farm.
> >
> > Arriving, he searched and searched for the
> > farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to
> > town with the only tractor. Running around,
> > the chicken spied the Farmer's new BMW
> > 7-Series. Finding the keys inside, the
> > chicken sped off with a length of rope,
> > hoping he still had time to save his
> > friend's life.
> >
> > Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but
> > happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny
> > B'mer, and managed to get hold of the loop of
> > rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying
> > the other end to the rear bumper of the
> > farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly
> > forward, and with the aid of the powerful car
> > rescued the horse!
> >
> > Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW
> > back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was
> > none the wiser when he returned. The
> > friendship between the two animals was
> > cemented - best buddies, best pals.
> >
> > A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a
> > mud pit, and soon he too, began to sink, and
> > cried out to the horse to save his life! The
> > horse thought a moment, walked over, and
> > straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath,
> > he told the chicken to "grab his thingie" and
> > he would then lift him out of the pit. The
> > chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled
> > him up and out, saving his life.
> >
> >
> > The moral of the story? When you're hung like
> > a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks


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