A quiz for Million Mom marchers to
consider.
OK now, no cheating
1. Ted Kennedy, Charles Schumer and
Barbara Boxer strongly denounce
private gun ownership. Their bodyguards; however, carry:
A. Berettas
B. Glocks
C. Garbage can lids
D. Slingshots
E. Very heavy purses
2. You and your baby daughter are awakened in the middle of the night by
your estranged, abusive ex-husband. Although you have a restraining order
against him, he is drunk and beats down your front door with a crowbar
screaming, "If I can't have you, nobody can!" You should:
A. Call Barbara Boxer.
B. Call 911, and tell them that they should arrive within 30 seconds.
C. Threaten legal action.
D. Grab a ping-pong paddle.
E. Reason with him (maybe he was an abused child).
3. Since 1987, 34 states have enacted concealed carry laws. Violent crime
decreased in these states and the anticipated "Dodge City" mayhem never
materialized. Even critics were surprised. Concealed carry succeeded
because:
A. Sunspot activity decreased after 1987.
B. Trigger locks rendered guns inoperative and therefore safe.
C. Sarah Brady scared the crooks away.
D. A healing wave of pacifism swept over the hearts of criminals in these
34 states.
E. Janet Reno said that crime should stop.
Schools, churches, subways, and restaurants have often been assaulted, but
rarely military bases, police stations, or shooting clubs. The reason for
this is because:
A. The targets aren't sitting or kneeling.
B. VA benefits are lost if you shoot a soldier.
C. You can't enter an army base without bumper stickers.
D. Schools don't threaten felons with detention hall.
E. All of the above.
5. Logic, reason, and common sense:
A. Are irrelevant if they contradict your feelings.
B. Should not apply to firearms.
C. Defy opinion polls.
D. Pale beside hysteria, fear, and political ambition.
E. All of the above.
6. Every dictator always disarms his victims, before beginning to
annihilate freedom loving people. The reason for this is because:
A. Guns cause crime.
B. Guns cause accidents
C. Guns cause suicides
D. Being defenseless is the only way that mothers can demonstrate their
love for their children
E. All of the above
> If you can start the day
without a cigarette,
> If you can start the day without caffeine,
> If you can get going without pills,
> If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
> If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
> If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
> If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you
> anytime,
> If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when,
> through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
> If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
> If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct
> them,
> If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
> If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
> If you can conquer tension without medical help,
> If you can relax without liquor,
> If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
> If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice
> against creed, color, religion or politics,
>
> Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.
Great Moments in Physics
The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam
at the University of Copenhagen:
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a
barometer."
One student replied:
"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer,
then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to
the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the
barometer will equal the height of the building."
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that
the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds
that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university
appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The
arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did
not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve
the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow
him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which
showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles
of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased
in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running
out, to which the student replied that he had several
extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind
which to use.
On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the
skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it
takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can
then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared.
But bad luck on the barometer."
"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the
barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its
shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's
shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional
arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."
"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could
tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a
pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the
skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the
gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqroot (l / g)."
"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it
would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the
skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."
"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of
course, you could use the barometer to measure the air
pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground,
and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the
height of the building."
"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise
independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly
the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say
to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give
you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."
The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark
to win the Nobel prize for Physics.
A group of girlfriends is on
vacation when they see a 5-story
hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are
without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.
"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what
you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide
since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
"All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh
and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it
long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men
here have it short and thick." They still want to do better,
and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here
have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are
going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.
Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here.
This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
>
> > USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW WHEN TRAVELING IN ARAB COUNTRIES:
> >
> > AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN
> > -Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
> >
> > FEKR-GABUL CARDAN DIVAT RAEH CUSH DIVAR
> > -I'am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor
> > with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
> >
> > SHOMAEH FIKR TAMOMEH GEH GOFTEK BANDE
> > -I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
> >
> > AUTO ARRAREGH DVATEMAN MAMO SEPAHEH - HAST
> > -It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of
> > your car.
> >
> > FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH
> > KESHAVARHMAN
> > -If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I
> > will gladly reciprocate by betraying my couintry in public.
> >
> > KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRKAHEY
> > -I will tell you the names and addresses of many american spies
travelling
> > as reporters.
> >
> > BALLI, BALLI, BALLI
> > -Whatever you say.
> >
> > MATERNIER CHERMEZ AHLIEH, GORBAN
> > -The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
> >
> > TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM
> > -The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the
> > recipe.
> >
> > ETEHFORAN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE DO HAFTAEH BA
BODENEH
> > SHEEREEL TEEGZ
> > -Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed self than
to
> > spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Teigs.
> REASONS WHY A HANDGUN IS
BETTER THAN A WOMAN:
> > >
> > > You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
> > >
> > > You can trade a .44 for two .22's.
> > >
> > > You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.
> > >
> > > If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be
> > > impressed and let you try a few rounds with it.
> > >
> > > Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
> > >
> > > Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.
> > >
> > > A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
> > >
> > > Handguns function normally every day of the month.
> > >
> > > A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?"
> > >
> > > A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're
> > > done using it.
> > >
> > > You can have more than one handgun living in the same house
> > > without having problems.
> > >
> > > A handgun doesn't care how big your trigger finger is.
> > >
> > > A handgun won't tell all of its friends if you are a "little
> > > fast on the trigger".
> This is reported to have
appeared in the current issue of Australian
> Aviation Magazine.
>
> RULES OF THE AIR
> 1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
> 2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull
> the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the
stick
> all the way back, then they get bigger again.
> 3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
> 4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up
> there wishing you were down here.
> 5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
> 6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to
> keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch
the pilot
> start sweating.
> 7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided
> with the sky.
> 8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great'
> landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
> 9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to
> make all of them yourself.
> 10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to
> taxi to the ramp.
> 11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle
> of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice
> versa.
> 12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to
> five minutes earlier.
> 13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking
> about might be another airplane going in the opposite
direction.
> Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known
to hide
> out in clouds.
> 14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the
> number of take offs you've made.
> 15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
> Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
> 16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience.
> The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of
luck.
> 17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels
> them.
> 18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going
> round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from
the
> passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
> 19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going
> hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the
> ground has yet to lose.
> 20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the
> experience usually comes from bad judgment.
> 21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much
> as possible.
> 22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
> 23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And
> it's not subject to repeal.
> 24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you,
> runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
>
> A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a
> sentence.
>
> Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all
> the animals. It was fascinating."
>
> The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the
>
> word 'fascinate.'"
>
> Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to the Philadelphia
> Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
>
> The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word
> 'fascinate.'"
>
> Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny
> was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no
> way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.
>
> Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons."
>
> The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the
> word 'fascinate' in your sentence."
>
> Little Johnny continued, "But her tits are so big, she can only fasten
> eight."
A blond woman named Brandi finds
herself in dire trouble. Her business has
gone bankrupt and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate
that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please
help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to
lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays... "God,
please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going
to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays...
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my
car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have
always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one
time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi
is confronted by the voice of God Himself...
"Brandi, meet Me halfway on this one. Buy a ticket.
An engineer dies and reports to the
pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer --
you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to
the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the
level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while,
they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a
pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up
on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey,
things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and
there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What???
You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send
him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I
like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him
back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously
and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Here's an air traffic control
story for you:
The German controllers at Frankfurt
Airport are infamous for being a short tempered lot. They not only expect you to know your
parking location but also how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that
we (United 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and
the pilot of a British Airways 747 (callsign Speedbird 206).
Speedbird: "Good morning
Frankfurt, Speedbird 206, clear of the active [runway]."
Ground: "Guten Morgen, taxi to
your gate. "
The BA 747 pulls onto the main
taxiway and stops.
Ground (brusquely):
"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird: "Standby ground,
I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground (with typical German
impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird (coolly): "Yes,
several times in 1944, but I didn't stop."
>>>1. Never raise
your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
>>>I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
>>>I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
>>>I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
>>>Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
>>>I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
>>>Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you
>>>take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window.
>>>Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going
>>>faster is a maniac.
>>>You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she
>>>was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
>>>I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
>>>other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
>>>locks; they are always locking three of them.
>>>One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental
>>>illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be
>>>you.
>>>They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a
>>>T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest
>>>problem.
>>>Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's
>>>because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I
>>>only have photographs of her on the wall.
>>>A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said,
>>>"Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "
I didn't
>>>know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".
>>>Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the
>>>Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult
>>>Bookstore.
>>>
A woman went to her doctor for
advice. She told him that her husband had
developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a
good idea.
The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?"
She said that it didn't.
The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you
shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take
care not
to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The doctor replied, "Of course you can. Where do you think attorneys come
from?"
A frog goes into a bank and
approaches the teller. He
can see from Her nameplate that the teller's name is
Patricia Whack.
So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy
a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much
he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his
name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and
that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of
money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan.
She asks if he has anything he can use a collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a
tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall,
bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti
explains that she'll have to consult with the manager
and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called
Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and
wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as
collateral." She held up the tiny pink elephant. "I
mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a
knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His
old man's a Rolling Stone."
>From a little book called
"Disorder in the Court." They're things people
>actually said in court, word for word.
>
>Q: What is your date of birth?
>A: July fifteenth.
>Q: What year?
>A: Every year.
>
>
>Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>
>Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
>A: Yes.
>Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>A: I forget.
>Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
>forgotten?
>
>Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
>A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
>Q: How long has he lived with you?
>A: Forty-five years.
>
>Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that
>morning?
>A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>Q: And why did that upset you?
>A: My name is Susan.
>
>Q: And where was the location of the accident?
>A: Approximately milepost 499.
>Q: And where is milepost 499?
>A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
>
>Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
>A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
>
>Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
>A: After the accident?
>Q: Before the accident.
>A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
>
>Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or
>occult?
>A: We both do.
>Q: Voodoo?
>A: We do.
>Q: You do?
>A: Yes, voodoo.
>
>Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights
>flashing?
>A: Yes.
>Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
>A: Yes, sir.
>Q: What did she say?
>A: What disco am I at?
>
>Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
>doesn't
>know about it until the next morning?
>
>Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
>
>Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>
>Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
>
>Q: Did he kill you?
>
>Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
>
>Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
>
>Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
>
>Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>A: Yes.
>Q: And what were you doing at that time?
>
>Q: She had three children, right?
>A: Yes.
>Q: How many were boys?
>A: None.
>Q: Were there any girls?
>
>Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
>A: Yes.
>Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
>
>Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
>A: I went to Europe, Sir.
>Q: And you took your new wife?
>
>Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
>A: By death.
>Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
>
>Q: Can you describe the individual?
>A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>Q: Was this a male, or a female?
>
>Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
>which I
>sent to your attorney?
>A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>
>Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
>A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
>
>Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
>A: Oral.
>
>Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
>A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
>
>Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>
>Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
>A: No.
>Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
>A: No.
>Q: Did you check for breathing?
>A: No.
>Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
>autopsy?
>A: No.
>Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
>A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law
>somewhere.
>
>Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
>A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
>
>Here are some classic Court transcripts, all recorded by the keepers of
>the
>word in various parts of the world...
>
>LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
>WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
>LAWYER: Male semen?
>WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.
>
>LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
>WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
>LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
>WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
>LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
>WITNESS: No.
>
>LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you
>observe with respect to your scalp?
>WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
>LAWYER: It was covered?
>WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
>LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
>WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and
>put on
>top of my head.
>
>CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
>WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
>CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
>WITNESS: That's right.
>CLERK: Repeat it.
>WITNESS: "Repeat it".
>CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
>WITNESS: What you said when?
>CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
>WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
>CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
>WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
>CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
>WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
>CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be he
truth
>and..."
>WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
>CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
>WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
>CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the
truth..."
>WITNESS: Yes.
>CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>CLERK: Well? Do so.
>WITNESS: You're confusing me.
>CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
>CLERK: Yes.
>WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
>CLERK: Then say it.
>WITNESS: What?
>CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
>WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
>CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
>WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
>CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing",
"But", "The",
>"Truth".
>WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
>CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
>WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
>CLERK: Thank you.
>WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.
>
>LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down
>the
>footpath to the cowshed?
>WITNESS: I did.
>LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
>WITNESS: I did.
>LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
>WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
>LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
>WITNESS: I saw George.
>LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
>WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
>LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
>WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
>LAWYER: His "thing"?
>WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
>LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were
>sober,
>you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
>WITNESS: Of course I did!
>LAWYER: What did you say to him?
>WITNESS: "Morning, George"
>
THE VALUE OF UNDIES
Here's your weekly safety brief.
Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when
working under your vehicle...especially in public.
From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes
this story of a central west couple who drove their
car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in
the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping
while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of
people near the car.
On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs
protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned private parts into glaringly public
ones.
Golf Lessons
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are
playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he
says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your
wife's breast."
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball
250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife
with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her
swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and
THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says with a straight face.
"Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're
supposed to!"
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