TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN
WHO'S HAD ENOUGH
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
answer.
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act
like soap opera guys.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short
hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married
women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find
the perfect present yet again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Sunday and Sunday = flying. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that
way.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really..
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work..
Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will.
Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good
at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we
do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
Check your oil.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No,
it doesn't matter which quiz.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments
become null and void after 7 days.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes
you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but
not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
What the hell is a doily?
SUBJECT: THE 2000 FEDERAL CENSUS
FOR THE SOUTH
Last name: ________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher
Spouse's Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name:______________________
3rd Spouse's Name:______________________
Lover's Name:___________________________
Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______
Mother's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: 196_
Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____
How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable
Color of eyes: Left______ Right_____
Color of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) Clairol
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_) road?
Favorite color sheep (_) Black (_) White (_) None
<< SCREW OR SWIM
>
> Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the
> end of the bar counter
> with a great big smile on his face.
>
> Dave says, "John what are you so happy for?"
>
> "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out
> waxin' my boat, just
> waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits
> out to here, Dave.
> Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in
> your boat?' I said
> 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took
> her way out, Dave. I
> turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or
> swim!' She couldn't
> swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!"
>
> The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John
> sitting at the end of the
> bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave
> says, "What are you
> happy about today John?"
>
> "Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out
> waxin' my boat, just
> waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to
> me... tits out to here,
> Dave. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a
> ride in your boat?' I
> told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So
> I took her way out,
> Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I
> turned off the key and I
> said, 'It's either: screw or swim!' She couldn't
> swim, Dave! She
> couldn't swim!"
>
> A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and
> sees John down there
> cryin' over a beer.
>
> Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?"
>
> "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out
> waxin' my boat, just
> waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came
> up to me... tits WAY
> out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here. I had
> more wood than my boat
> does. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
> So I said, 'Sure you
> can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,
> Dave, way WAY out...
> much further than the last two. I turned off the
> key, and looked at her
> tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!' She
> pulled down her pants....
> she had a dick, Dave! She had a great BIG dick,
> Dave, and I CAN'T SWIM!"
> A married couple was in a
terrible accident where the woman's face
> was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't
> graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the
> husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
>
> However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable
> would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed
> that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and
> requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this
> was a very delicate matter.
>
> After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the
> woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had
> before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her
> youthful beauty!
>
> One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with
> emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you
> for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay
> you."
>
> "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I
> see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
