A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-hour
drink when an
exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking
that the man could not take his eyes off her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly
toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the
young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you
want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £100 on one condition".
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman
replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words".
He quickly pulled his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five £20
notes, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her
eyes and slowly, meaningfully said.................
.........
..........
"Paint my house"
> CLASSIC VERSION of The Ant and the Grasshopper
>
> The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer
> long, building his
> house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
> grasshopper thinks he's
> a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer
> away.
>
> Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The
> grasshopper has no food
> or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
>
>
> MODERN VERSION
>
> The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
> house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks
> he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer
> away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press
> conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and
> well fed while others are cold and starving.
> > CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the
> shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his
> comfortable home with table filled with food.
>
> America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it
> be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is
> allowed to suffer so?>
> Then a representative of the NAGB (National
> Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green
> bias", and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30
> million years of greenism.
> > Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper,
> and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green."
> > Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest
> appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they
> will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been
> denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited
> unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the
> "Temperatures of the 80's."
> > Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter
> Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper,
> and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his
> "fair share."
> Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and
> Anti-Greenism Act" retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant
> is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs
> and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is
> confiscated by the government.
> > Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the
> grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried
> before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of
> single parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between
> 1:30 and 3pm when there are no talk shows scheduled.
> > The ant loses the case.
> > The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up
> the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in,
> which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since
> he doesn't know how to maintain it.
> > The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV,
> which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food,
> they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group
> of Democrats announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in
> America.
A Kinda Cheap Fling
Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards
on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he
noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John
hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife
followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under
there?"
John admitted that, well, yes he did. She said "You can have it, but
it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested.
She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John
doesn't,
John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her
$100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left.
Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John come by
this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few
mintues."
Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"
She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give
me $100."
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and
borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home
and pay me back."
"For several months, our nurses have been
baffled to find a patient dead in
the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital
(Free State, South Africa) told reporters. "There was no apparent cause for
any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system and
a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues."
"However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths...."
It seems that every Friday morning a cleaning lady would enter the ward,
remove the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug her
floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she
had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and
leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all,
hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her
polisher". "We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in
question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is
arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no
repetition of this incident. The inquiry is now closed."
A male-to-female transexual was being interviewed
on a radio talk show. The DJ asked the transexual "What sort of pain did you
experience during the operation?"
The transexual replied, "Well, when they cut
my ***** off, that really didn't hurt as much as I thought it would.
Then they implanted the breasts in my chest, well, that really didn't hurt too much
either..."
"Then you didn't experience any real physical
pain at all then?"
"You're joking! What really hurt was when they
removed half my brain and doubled the size of my mouth!"
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits
from the Federal
Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the
FAA examiner arrived.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the
reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was
in order.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer
harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly
reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's
enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened
his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass.
Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "Well, I'm not supposed to tell you this,
but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
A Kansas farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed
them for
ham, bacon,etc... After several weeks , he notices that
none of the pigs is getting pregnant and calls a vet for
help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try
artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the
slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display
his ignorance, he only asks the vet how will how know when
the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will
stop standing around and will instead lie down and wallow in
the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and
gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that
artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the
pigs. So he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out
into the woods, has sex with them all and goes back to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at he pigs. Seeing
that they are all still standing around , he concludes that
the first try didn't take, and loads them into the truck
again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig
twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still standing
around. One more try ,he tells himself and proceeds to
load them up and drive them out to the woods . He spends
all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls
listlessly into bed. The next morning , he cannot even raise
himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife
to look out and tell him if the pigs are lying in the mud .
... "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of
them is honking the horn."
I have a moral question for you. This is an
imaginary situation, but
I think it is fun to decide what one would do. The situation: You are in the
Midwest, and there is a huge flood in
progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised, and
infrastructure destroyed.
Let's say you're a photographer out getting still photos for a news
service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.
If you were to stumble across Bill Clinton struggling to keep from being
swept away in a raging river and you had a choice of rescuing him or
getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph of the death of a President,
what shutter speed would you use?
> When you're on "reserve" with
an airline, you fly when they tell
> you to fly. Being unable to be contacted is a lesser offense than
> refusing or missing an assigned trip.
>
> This captain gets an "A" for his creativity in avoiding an
> assignment. When crew scheduling woke him up at 3 A.M. to assign
> him to a 5 A.M. departure, he passed the phone to his wife and
> said in a voice loud enough for them to hear on the other end,
> "Here, darling, I think it's someone calling for your husband."
> ENGINEERS TAKE THE FUN OUT OF CHRISTMAS
>
> There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18)
> in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim,
> Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this
> reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378
> million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average
> (census)
> rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes,
> presuming there is at least one good child in each.
>
> Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
> different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to
> west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.
> This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child,
> Santa has around 1/1000 th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump
> down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents
> under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up
> the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.
>
> Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed
> around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept
> for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about
> 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not
> counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving
> at
> 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of
> comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves
> at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at
> best) 15 miles per hour.
>
> The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.
> Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set
> (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not
> counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no
> more than
> 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer can pull 10
times
> the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of
> them---Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload,
> not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly
> seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the
> monarch).
>
>
> A mass of nearly 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates
> enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same
> fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead
> pair of reindeer would adsorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per
> second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost
> instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating
> deafening sonic booms in their wake.
>
> The entire reindeer team would be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a
> second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his
> trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of
> accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be
> subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa
> (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie snacks he
> must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the
> sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and
> organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
>
> Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
Dogs!
> > * I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's
underwear when he's on
> > the toilet.
> >
> > * The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
> >
> > * I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying
> > under the coffee table.
> >
> > * I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
> >
> > * I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the
> > house.
> >
> > * I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
> >
> > * I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean
> > carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
> >
> > * I will not throw up in the car.
> >
> > * I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
> >
> > * I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
> >
> > * "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
> >
> > * I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the
> > backyard after processing.
> >
> > * The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
> >
> > * I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her
> > bottom end.
> >
> > * I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
> >
> > * I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones,
> > or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
> >
> > * When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled
> > down when it's raining outside.
> >
> > * We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear
> > one on TV
> >
> > * I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back
> > yard with it.
> >
> > * The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
> >
> > * My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
> >
> > * I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's
> > driver's license and car registration.
> Why are we so tired?
Because we're overworked.
>
> Here's why:
>
> The population of this country is 273 million.
>
> 140 million are retired.
> That leaves 133 million to do the work.
>
> There are 85 million in school,
> which leaves 48 million to do the work.
>
> Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal
> government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
>
> 2.8 million are in the armed forces,
> which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
>
> Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for
> state and city governments, and that leaves 1.4 million
> to do the work.
>
> At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,
> leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
>
> Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
>
> That leaves just two people to do the work.
>
> You and me.
>
> And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes!
>Las Vegas Taxi Service
>
>A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the
>shirt on his back and had nothing left but the return half of his round
>trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself
>home. So he went to the front of the casino where there was a cab
>waiting in line.
>
>As they drove off he explained his situation to the cabbie and promised
>to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card
>numbers, his driver's license number, his address, but to no avail.
>
>The cabbie pulled over and said (adopt appropriate accent), "If you
>don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
>
>So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport barely in time
>to catch his flight.
>
>One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain
>his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
>Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the
>casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
>
>Well, who should he see out there, at the back end of a long line of
>cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a free ride when he
>was down on his luck. The businessman decided he would make the guy pay
>for his lack of charity. The businessman got in the first cab in line
>and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?"
>
>"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
>
>"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"
>
>"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
>
>The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked
>the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his friend at
>the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the
>airport?"
>
>The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."
>
>The businessman said, "O.K.," and off they went. Then, as they drove
>slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and
>thumbs up sign to each driver.
> A woman was out golfing one day when she hit
her ball into the woods.
>
> She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
> The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
> you 3 wishes."
>
> The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
> to mention that there are a condition to your wishes - that whatever you
> wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
>
> The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she
> wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her,
> "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most
> handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
>
> The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful
> woman and he will only have eyes for me."
>
> So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second
> wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
>
> The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world
> and he will be ten times richer than you."
>
> The Woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what
> is his is mine."
>
> So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
>
> The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
>
> "I'd like a mild heart attack."
>
Guinness Book of Records
Car Parking
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a
woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three
standard parking spaces, by Mrs.Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an
unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the
manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully
parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes
later.There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own
and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.
Incorrect Driving
longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of
504 km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn
(GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987.
Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but
pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear
wheels.
This journey also holds the records for the longest completed
journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between
21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB)
in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop
on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two
near identical dresses which were both in the sale.
After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing
room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks
eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and
exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it.
Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity,
when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing
at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3
weeks two days before eventually going home.
Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a
jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West
Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at
10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25
being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way
skirmish
then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which
escalated
into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being
lost.
A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly
spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble
sale raised 5.28 for local boy scouts.
Talking about Nothing
Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in
a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing
whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to 7th
August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet
visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was
exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge
whatsoever. The outdoor record for talking about nothing is
held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly
Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983
and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an
unenlightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth
remembered she'd left the bath running.
Gossiping
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of
Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat,
during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the
strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher.
After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately
began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By
2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen
to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair,
including the local Amateur dramatic Society, several knitting
circles,a coachload of American tourists which she flagged down
and the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at
11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was common
knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.
Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet
simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of
Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration
at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994,
Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was
immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass,
the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for
everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.
Film Confusion
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with
her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was
achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel
Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress
File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40
secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him
in the glasses?", revealing a staggering level of ignorance.
This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through
2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this
a war film, is it?".
Single Breath Sentence
An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break
the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath.
Mrs.Mavis Sommers, 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous
record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument
she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on
for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing
for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the
ground.
She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was
released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth
motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680
words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an
amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles,
nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered
in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed
only, accompanied by vigorous jesticulations and indignant
spasms.
