Little Tommy was
in his seat on an airplane when a fellow
passenger took the seat next to him. The stranger said "Hi....as long as
we are going to be traveling companions for the next three hours lets talk ..... I've
heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger."
Little Tommy, who had just opened
his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to
discuss?"
Oh, I don't know," said the
stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
OK," said Little Tommy.
"That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a
cow, and a deer all eat grass. They all eat the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little
pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the
stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little
Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't
know shit?"
A man is stumbling through the
woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He
proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is
almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready
to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks
him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, Have you found
Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer,
dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of
the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again
answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his
wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about
30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher
again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and
catches his breath and says to the preacher,"Are you sure this is where he fell in?
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE
OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
Pensioner, George Miller from
Bolton, Lancashire, was going up to bed when his wife, Mary, told him that he'd left the
light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened
the back door to go and turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed
stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Are any of them in your
house?" To which George replied "No". The police said that all patrols were
busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when
available.
George said, "Okay," hung
up, counted to 30, and phoned the police back again............"Hello", he said
"I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from
my shed. Well, I just want to let you know that you don't have to worry about them now
because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police
cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Miller residence and
caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you
said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody
available!"
The Deaf Bookkeeper and the
Attorney
A Mafia Godfather finds out that
his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was
considered an occupational benefit, and why he landed the job in the first place, since it
was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to
testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to
shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he takes his attorney, who
knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper:
"Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language,
asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollar is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I
don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather:
"He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out
a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him
again!"
The attorney signs to the
underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back:
"OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin
Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney:
"Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says
you don't have the balls to pull the trigger...."
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell
in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jump lead walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and
one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a
slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a
clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing
'The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to
each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this
morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no
bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an
invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that
you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage
trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital
after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last
week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no
eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete
wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak
were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts
checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to
disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he
said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins, and gives
them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named
"Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan".
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her
husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know,
walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his
feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him.... (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).... A
super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Annual "Stella Awards" -
Frivolous Lawsuits
Time once again to review the
winners of the Annual "Stella Awards." The Stella Awards are named after 81
year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's
(in NM). That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous,
successful lawsuits in the United States. Here are this year's winners:
5th Place (tie): Kathleen Robertson
of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle
tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store
were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler
was Ms. Robertson's son.
5th Place (tie): 19-year-old Carl
Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand
with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of
the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
5th Place (tie): Terrence Dickson
of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the
garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener
was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house
and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson
found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he
found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the
situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000. In my
opinion this is so outrageous that it should have been 2nd Place!
4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little
Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the
buttocks by his next-door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's
fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been
just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the
yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
3rd Place: A Philadelphia
restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500. after she
slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor
because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont,
Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell
from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred
while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying
the $3.50 cover charge . She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
1st Place: This year's runaway
winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a
brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football
game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly
left the driver's seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not
surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs. Grazinski sued
Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this.
The jury awarded her $1,750,000. plus a new motor home. The company actually changed th
eir manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case the re were any other complete morons
around.
Boudreaux had a bad vehicle
accident, caused by a truck. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
Boudreaux. "Didn't you say, at
the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," the lawyer asked?
Boudreaux responded, "Mais,
Let me told you what happened. Me, I had jus loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da . .
. "
"I didn't ask for any
details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at
the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?
Boudreaux said, "I had jus got
Bessie into da trailer and I was driving down da road . . "
The lawyer interrupted again and
said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks
after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him
to answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly
interested in Boudreaux's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he
has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".
Boudreaux thanked the Judge and
proceeded, " I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and was
driving her down da highway when dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and
smacked my truck right in da side. Me, I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown
into da udder. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move at tall. But, I could herd
ole Bessie moanin and groanin. Me, I knew she was in some kind o' terrible shape just by
her groans."
"Shortly after da accident, a
Highway Patrolman, he came on da scene. He herd Bessie moanin' and groanin' so, him, he
went over ta her. After he took hisself a look at her, he took out his gun and shot her
between da eyes.
Den da Patrolman came cross da
road, gun in hand, and looked at me, and said 'How are you feeling?'"
"Now what da hell would you
say?"
