Employee...."I'm sorry but I can't come in today. My
doctor says I suffer
from Anal Glaucoma."
Boss........"Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"
Employee...."I just can't see my ass coming to
work!"
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people
show up. One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous
blonde in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat
it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're
history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun
and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to
charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked
body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking
her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, licks and kisses her privates
for several minutes and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says,
"I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the older man
and asks, "Can you top that?" The older man replies, "No problem, just get
that lion out of the way."
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took
his faithful pet Chihuahua along for company. One day, the Chihuahua starts chasing
butterflies and before long the Chihuahua discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about,
he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having
lunch. The Chihuahua thinks,"OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some
bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his
back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the Chihuahua exclaims
loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. Wonder if there are any more around
here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as
a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says
the leopard. "That was close. That Chihuahua nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene
from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the Chihuahua saw him heading after the
leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches
up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The
leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and
see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the Chihuahua sees the leopard coming with the monkey on
his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the
dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and
just when they get close enough to hear, the Chihuahua says... "Where's that damn
monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
Allegedly a true story...
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four
years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each
other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but
the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.
They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would
never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he
emailed her, she took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He
didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back
her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him
off her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her
having sex with her new boyfriend's and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading,
"I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was
heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear
Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the
picture to her parents!
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the
background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men
and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door
and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter
what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill
Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never
shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this
job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the
gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take
your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
instruction to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After
a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped
the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had
to beat him to death with the chair."
We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are
all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's
up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you
leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of
the tides Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to
think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say
it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost
every question.
1 Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving
it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one
of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant it the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you
want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither
do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default
settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect
an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you
wear is fine . . . Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
A man was walking down the street, when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man, who asked him for a couple of dollars
for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and
asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the
homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying
food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said.
"I need everything I can get just to stay alive"
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf
course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS?!" replied the homeless man. "I
haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light
district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!"
exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give
you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by
my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be
furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see
what a man looks like after he's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the
road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya
been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you
know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank
heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a
confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on
the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this side
either."
