On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL they
play a game for prizes, usually vacations and such, called "Mate Match."
The DJ's call someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship. If
yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions (that vary from couple to couple)
and asked for their significant other's name and work phone number. If the
significant other answers correctly, then they are winners. This particular day
(12-9-98) it got interesting:
DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"?
Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.
DJ: What is your name? First name only please.
Contestant: Brian.
DJ: Are you married or what Brian?
Brian: Yes.
DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean you are "married"? or what?,
Brian?
Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.
DJ: Thank you, Brian. OK, now, what is your wife's name? First only please, Brian.
Brian: Sara.
DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?
Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.
DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man.
Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.
DJ: Atta boy.
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well...
DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?
Brian: About 10 minutes.
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if it
there weren't a trip at stake.
Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.
DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm.
DJ: This sounds good Brian; where was it?
Brian: Not that it was all that great, just that her mom is staying with us for a couple
of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.
DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!
Brian: On the kitchen table.
DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred
times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's
work number and call her up. You listen to this. (Advertisements)
DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara, shall we?(touch tones ...*ringing*)
Clerk: Kinko's.
DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?
Clerk: This is she.
DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of
hours now
Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?
DJ: Well, awhile anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give
away any answers or you lose, soooooooo, do you know the rules of "Mate Match"?
Sara: No.
DJ: Good.
Brian: (laughing)
Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?
Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, OK?
Sara: Oh, Brian.
DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you 3 questions and if you answer exactly
what Brian has said, then the 2 of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense.
This does include tickets to Disney World and Sea World.
Sara: All right.
Brian: (laughing)
DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?
Sara: Oh God, Brian..this morning before Brian went to work.
DJ: What time?
Sara: About 8, I think.(sound effect) DING DING DING
DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last?
Sara: 12 ... 15 minutes maybe.
DJ: hhmmmmm Background voice in studio: That's close enough. I am sure she is
trying not to harm his manhood.
DJ: Well, we will give you that one. Last question: Where did you do it?
Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?!
Brian: Just tell him honey.
DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?
Sara: Well, it's just ... just that my mom is vacationing with us and...
DJ: SHE SAW?!?!
Sara: BRIAN?!?!
Brian: NO, no she didn't.
DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer?
Sara: Dear Lord..I cannot believe you told them this.
Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida.
DJ: Let's go Sara we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?
Sara: In the ass.
(long pause)
DJ: We will be right back.
(advertisements)
DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do
happen. Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida.
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA
for an assassin. These
highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing
and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the
position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and
testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but
only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely
secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a
large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I
could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're
definitely
not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door
and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter
what the circumstances",
they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting
in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went
in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.
The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her,
I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the
right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't
have what it
takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test.
Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the
same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter
what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your
husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all
the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for
13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went
on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat
from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks!
I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
WELCOME TO TOP OF THE POPPODOMS!
Popadum Preach - Madonna
Korma Chameleon - Culture Club
Bhaji Trousers - Madness
King Prawn Massala Drinks Are Free - Wham
Dansak Queen - Abba
Korma People - Pulp
Tikka Chance On Me - Abba
When I Phall in Love - Nat King Cole
You Can't Curry Love - Diana Ross and the Supremes
Korma Police - Radiohead > > > >
Things Can Only Get Bhuna -D:Ream
Tears On My Pilau - Kylie Minogue
It's Bhuna Hard Days Night - The Beatles
Brothers in Naans - Dire Straits
Girlfriend in a Korma - The Smiths
Pilau Talk - Doris Day
It's My Chapati and I Cry If I Want To - Dave Stewart and Barbara Gaskin
I'm a Bhaji Girl - Aqua
Sag Aloo - Black lace
Take That and Chapati - Take That
Bhuna Round The World and I Can't Find My Bhaji -LisaStansfield
I Don't Want To Dansak - Eddie Grant
Dansak on the Ceiling - Lionel Richie
We Are Jalfrezi - Sister Sledge
>> An engineer was crossing a road one day
when a frog
>> called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll
>> turn into a beautiful princess".
>>
>> He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his
>> pocket.
>>
>> The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me
>> and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will
>> stay with you for one week."
>>
>> The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled
>> at it and returned it to the pocket.
>>
>> The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me
>> back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING
>> you want."
>>
>> Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and
>> put it back into his pocket.
>>
>> Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told
>> you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for
>> a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
>>
>> The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have
>> time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
There's this guy who's in the market for a used
motorcycle.
Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the
newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful
classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the
bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner:
"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such
good shape."
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the
bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from
the rain. In fact, since you're buying the
bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it," and
he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the
bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the
first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the
couple gets to the
house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm. "Honey," she says, "I
gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat
dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner
has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. The boyfriend
is
astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty
dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the
stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They
sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner
progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he
leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he
decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but
still they keep quiet. So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips
her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no
one says a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's
Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again,
total silence. Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend
realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the
motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly
the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the
damndishes."
Dear Boss,
Our staff has completed 18 months of work on time and on budget.
We have gone through every line of code in every program in every
system.
We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and
historic archives and modified all data to reflect the change.
We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y2K" date change
mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all
data to reflect the new standards :
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September,
October, November, December as well as :
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak.
I trust that this is satisfactory, because, to be honest, none of this
"Y to K" problem has made any sense to me.
But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in
any possible way.
Yours sincerely,
>Think You're Having A Bad Day
>
>Next time you think you're having a bad day recall:
>
>1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
>oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the
>most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild
>amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were
>both eaten by a killer whale.
>
>2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a
>carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions.
>After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an
>axe leaving her mentally retarded.
>
>3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world
>flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight
>hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his
>girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
>
>4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
>frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist
>towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the
>deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the
>back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he
>had been happily listening to his Walkman.
>
>5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
>sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all
>two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and
>stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
>
>And the capper.......
>
>6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
>letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
>Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
>
>Here's hoping your day is better than any of these.
>
>>On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere the following
people
>>are stranded:
>>2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
>>2 French men and 1 French woman
>>2 German men and 1 German woman
>>2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
>>2 English men and 1 English woman
>>2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
>>2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
>>2 American men and 1 American woman
>>2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
>>2 New Zealand men 1 New Zealand woman
>>2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
>>
>>One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
>>
>>One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
>>
>>The two French men and the French woman are living happily
>>together having loads of sex.
>>
>>The German woman has a strict weekly schedule when she
>>alternates with the two German men.
>>
>>The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek
>>woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
>>
>>The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce
>>them to the English woman.
>>
>>The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and
>>one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.
>>
>>The two American men are contemplating the virtues of
>>suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about
>>the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of
>>household chores, how her last boyfriend treated her much
>>nicer and how her relationship with her mother is
>>improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not
>>raining.
>>
>>The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for
>>instructions.
>>
>>The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the
>>Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men on
>>the island, after calling them "bloody wankers".
>>
>>One New Zealand man is having sex with the New Zealand
>>woman, the other Kiwi is searching the island for sheep.
>>
>>The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South
>>to make them feel more at home, and by setting up a
>>distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture
>>because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of
>>coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied that at least "those
>>English bastards" are not getting any.
> > The Difference Between Airplanes and
Women:
> >
> > An airplane will kill you quick . . .
> > a woman takes her time.
> > Airplanes like to do it inverted.
> > Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
> > An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'
> > An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.
> > Airplanes come with manuals.
> > Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
> > You can fly an airplane any time of the month.
> > Airplanes don't have parents.
> > Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
> > Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.
> > When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.
> > Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy
> > airplane magazines.
> > If your airplane is too loose, you can tighten it.
> > It's always OK to use tie downs on your airplane.
> > Pierre the French fighter pilot
> >
> > One warm and beautiful spring day Pierre and his lovely girlfriend were
> > sitting alongside the River Seine in Paris enjoying a picnic lunch.
> >
> > After lunch, Pierre became aroused and decided to entice Marie into a
> > little fourplay. As they were kissing, Marie became increasingly excited
> > and she said to Pierre, "Oh Pierre kiss me." So Pierre pulls out a
> bottle
> > of red wine from the basket and pours it on Marie's lips and she asks,
> > "Why do you do this strange thing Pierre?" He calmly and smoothly
> replies.
> > "My name is Pierre the French fighter pilot and when I have red meat, I
> > like to have red wine."
> >
> > As Marie is becoming more and more aroused she says, "Oh Pierre kiss me
> > lower!" To which Pierre obliges her and begins to kiss on her breasts.
> > Without hesitation Pierre reaches for the basket and pulls out a bottle
> of
> > white wine and pours it on her breasts. "Why Pierre?" she asks, to
which
> > he calmly replies, "My name is Pierre the French Fighter Pilot and when
> I
> > have white meat, I like to have white wine."
> >
> > She cannot hold herself back any longer and she tells him, "Oh Pierre
> kiss
> > me lower!" Suddenly Pierre pulls out a bottle of Cognac, pours it on her
> > bush and lights it on fire. Marie screams at the top of her lungs, "Why
> > Pierre, why?" To which Pierre calmly replies, "My name is Pierre the
> > French Fighter pilot and when I go down, I go down in flames."
> > Ever been to Dublin
> >
> > An American pilot flying a Gulfie 11 was approaching Dublin Airport,
> > Ireland, obviouslly for the first time, and he contacted Dublin Centre
> to
> > enquire about visibility at the airport. The controller confirmed that
> the
> > visibility was fine.
> > Some five minutes later the Gulfie pilot called again and asked for
> > confirmation that the visibility at Dublin was good and the controller
> > reassured him that Dublin was clear, with no fog.
> > A third request from the American seeking an update on the visibility at
> > Dublin and the presence of any fog was met by an initial stoney silence,
> > followed by:
> >
> > "November Blank Blank Blank....Dublin Airport never get's
> foggy....UNLESS
> > IT'S VERY BADLY PROVOKED!"
> > An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being
> > smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger
> > who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
> >
> > A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled due to a mechanical
> > problem. As would have it, the airline left a single customer service
> > agent with the monumental task of rebooking a long line of
> inconvenienced
> > travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way past everyone else
> > in line to the front of the counter. He slapped his ticket down on the
> > counter and said: "I HAVE TO BE ON THIS FLIGHT AND IT HAS TO BE FIRST
> > CLASS!!" The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to help you
> but
> > I've got to help these folks first, then I'm sure we'll be able to work
> > something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that
> > the other passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I
> > am...??" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her
> public
> > address microphone and made the following announcement: "May I have your
> > attention please..." she began, her voice echoing throughout the
> terminal.
> > "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If
> > anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 17."
> > With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared
> at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "FUCK YOU..!!!"
> > Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll
> have to stand in line for that too."
> > True story
> >
> > Student pilot (completely lost and desperate...) on the emergency freq:
> > "Big airport with a little Cessna 150 overhead, please identify
> yourself!"
> > They say that if you have an infinite number of monkeys typing
> > at an infinite number of keyboards for an infinite period of
> > time, you will get the collected works of Shakespeare.
> > To get the source code to Microsoft Windows, you need to add
> > more monkeys.
> > Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes
> > that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a
> > present.
> >
> > He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the
> > shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
> > In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?"
> >
> > She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95,
> > Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for
> > $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie
> > Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for
> > $265.00".
> >
> > Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the
> > others are only $19.95?"
> >
> > "That's obvious" the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie
comes
> > with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
> A duck walks into a bar and says "Got any bread?"
> And the barman says "No"
> And the duck says "Got any bread?"
> And the barman, "No!".
> "Got any bread?"
> "I said, N-O NO!"
> "Got any bread?"
> "For cryin' out loud - N-O spells NO and I mean NO!!"
> "Got any bread?"
> "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!"
> "Got any bread?"
> "Look, if you ask me one more fucking time if I've got any bread, I'm
> going to nail your fucking beak to the fucking bar!! WE HAVE NO FUCKING
> BREAD!!!"
> "Got any nails?"
> "No!"
> "Got any bread?"
A man goes to Glasgow airport and eventually goes
into the departure
lounge to wait for the call for his flight home. The place is a mess.
All around him are overturned tables, smashed windows, upturned chairs,
broken flight monitors and crowd control barriers littering the floor.
"Christ, what happened here?" he asks one of the ground crew.
"Oh", he replies. "Bloody hopeless it was, we had the Scotland squad
in here this morning filming the new Nike ad."
The National Transportation and Safety Board (NTSB)
recently
divulged a highly secret project they had covertly funded with
the big three US automakers for the past five years.
The NTSB prject paid for automakers to install black boxes
in four-wheel drive pickups in an effort to determine, in fatal
crashes, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds prior to
impact. The intent was to parallel that of commercial aircraft
in-flight recorders (back box).
NTSB was surprised to learn that in 49 of 50 states the last
words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes was exactly the same:
"Oh Sh-- !!"
This is the same exact phrasing heard most commonly on
airline black boxes.
Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.9% of the
final words were:
"Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
